What Those Broken Capillaries on Your Cheeks Really Mean

Is Elle obsessed with wacko skincare methods or what? They are forever going into in-depth detail on cellulite massage, the latest and greatest in lip plumping injections and this month: Nanotechnology. (Zzzzzzz). One article in this month's issue did cause my 'Needs-to-be-Tweezed' eyebrows to raise. In it, writer Holly Millea reports on How Your Face Shape Explains Your Sad Love Life And Other Things That Ail You (my headline, not Elle's, after all, this is not Cosmo). In the course of her reporting Millea visited Manhattan's International Dermal Institute for a face mapping based on Chinese diagnostics. Some snippets from her findings:

If your ears are hot, you may be drinking too much caffeine or eating too much salt.
Big red nose like a drunk, fat man? Check your blood pressure.
Prominent line on the forehead means something's up with your bladder.
Broken out chin could mean you're ovulating or perimenopausal (Ed's note: Or simply a normal teenage girl).
Vertical line between brows? Liver issues.
Broken capillaries on cheeks: Possible sign of lung distress.

Great. Already I have a family history of every cancer imaginable and I come from a long line of bad hearts. Now my lungs may be in distress? Forget it. I'm going outside to enjoy the beautiful NYC weather and a cupcake at Magnolia Bakery. Cheers!